Who is the Death Realist?

I’m Nic, your death realist. I unknowingly started my death journey in 2022, after my granny passed away (you can read more in The Mortuary post). I don’t ever recall feeling weird or sad about death. Even when I was younger, death had made me sad, losing someone you love, or are familiar with is sad. However, I always knew in the back of my mind that this was something that happens to everyone. Everyone experiences death differently, and there is not a right way or wrong way to think about it.

I started out my career as an Athletic Trainer, working in a wide range of areas from high school, college, and physician clinics. I liked it, didn’t love it. I enjoyed helping people on their healing journey. Being an athletic trainer is often a thankless job. That was fine with me, I didn’t enjoy being in the spotlight. We do it because we love helping others.

After moving back home to Colorado (I had been out of the state for almost 20 years), I felt a bit lost. I had been let go of my remote based job out of Seattle (they changed how they allowed out of state work. This was in 2021, people were moving back to their home states in what felt like droves). I was asked by my aunt if I wanted to help be a caretaker for granny. It was a paid job, and would rotate with some other family members. I jumped at the opportunity. I had only seen granny over the years when I had time when I would come back to visit. So, to take the opportunity to spend time with a loved one, you can’t pass that up. She passed not long after I started on the team, and that was my first up close and personal experience with death. Her death was beautiful, she was at home, in her bed, surrounded by her family. You really couldn’t ask for a better way to leave this world. When I saw the two ladies from the funeral home come and take granny away, I noticed how much relief there was among family that she was in good hands. That is when I knew. I knew I was meant to work in death care.

I started working for a local funeral home as a removal technician, and eventually moved my way up to funeral director. I have never felt more comfortable in a job, ever. There were a few things that I didn’t find as fun (arranging catholic funerals, they are a lot), but most everything else, it was great. I helped out in all aspects of the death process from picking up decedents, to the final burial and all the in between. After a few years, I was in a place where I had to make a choice to stay at the funeral home, or leave and take care of myself. I had a lot happening in my personal life, and was struggling. How could I adequately take care of families, if I am struggling to take care of myself. It was hard to leave, but it was the right choice at the time.

Even after I left, I felt that I wasn’t able to really leave the death care world. One of most rewarding part of the job, was to just sit and be with my families. Just listening. So many families I worked with didn’t know what to do, or where to even start. Other families had everything planned down to the table cloth color for the wake. It was the families that felt lost who were the best to work with. No question was off limits, and I meant it. During my time out of work, I continued to learn about death care. I had completed a death doula course and earned a certificate, and took a class on death and dying at Hood College (remote class). I read books about death and dying, and how I can continue to help others. I also worked on myself, going to therapy, and working on projects that gave me joy.

When I was ready to get back into working, I found myself back in healthcare, working at a primary care clinic front desk, moved into billing, and now I work with the revenue cycle quality assurance team with a large hospital. My life has finally settled into a good spot, my home, my amazing partner, and my naughty weenie (she is a mini dachshund, and she’s crazy). I knew it was time to get back into death care and helping others.

For the first time, we will have more deaths in the US than births. Our Baby Boomer generation is aging, and they are our largest population. My parents are in this group. I consider myself as an elder millennial, and I have peers who are losing their parents, many of whom do not live in the same state. My goal is to be a resource for you. Answer questions, provide resources and guides on how to navigate death. I am not a counselor, or a practicing doula, just someone who has compassion for others, and happens to be very comfortable around death.